{"id":75254,"date":"2025-10-05T14:37:14","date_gmt":"2025-10-05T12:37:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/visualjournalism.de\/?post_type=magazin&p=75254"},"modified":"2026-09-26T08:39:01","modified_gmt":"2026-09-26T06:39:01","slug":"co-parenting-two-friends-one-child","status":"publish","type":"magazin","link":"https:\/\/visualjournalism.de\/en\/magazine\/what-holds-us-together\/co-parenting-two-friends-one-child\/","title":{"rendered":"Co-parenting: two friends, one child"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n
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\n\tWhat holds us together<\/a><\/div>\r\n

\r\n Co-parenting: two friends, one child <\/h2>\r\n\r\n
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She wants to be a parent; her partner doesn\u2019t. How Julia finds an unusual way forward through a friendship.
\nBy Andreas Blauth<\/a> (text), Jana Margarete Schuler<\/a> (photos)<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/div>\r\n \r\n

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When Julia and Ingmar stroll through Leipzig today with their daughter in the pram, <\/strong>at first glance they look like a classic nuclear family. But Julia and Ingmar aren\u2019t a couple. They have never been romantically involved or intimate with each other. And yet they are the biological parents of nine-month-old Verle and share responsibility for her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rewind a good year: Julia is in what is essentially a happy relationship with her long-term partner, Patrick. There is just one sensitive point: for Patrick, having children and being responsible for them is a task he doesn\u2019t feel he can live up to. He is \u2018fundamentally pessimistic\u2019, as he puts it: he can\u2019t justify bringing a child of his own into this society. For that reason, he has already had a vasectomy. So from the very start of the relationship, having a child together was biologically ruled out. Over time, however, Julia\u2019s wish for a child grows stronger. If she is going to have a child \u2013 she has promised herself \u2013 then before she turns 38. Because the question keeps nagging at her, she spends a long time reading up on alternative ways of getting pregnant.<\/p>\n\n\n

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\n \"\"\n \n Leipzig, summer 2024<\/span>\n <\/div>\n\n

Ingmar and Julia<\/strong> used to be party friends. Today they are held together by shared parenthood, without ever having been romantically involved. Their model is a form of \u2018co-parenting\u2019 that is becoming increasingly popular.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n

She talks about it again and again with her long-time party friend<\/strong> Ingmar, who is gay and, like Julia, lives in Berlin. At one party or another, the two joke that Ingmar could be the father of her child himself. \u2018In the gay community it\u2019s quite common for men to offer female friends their help with having a baby, half jokingly, half seriously \u2013 along the lines of: if the clock starts ticking, let\u2019s talk again\u2026\u2019 At that point, though, neither of them has given it serious thought. Only when Julia looks into it further, and such conversations happen more often outside parties too, does the idea become more and more serious. For both of them, however, being intimate with each other is out of the question. \u2018Sure, functionally it would work, and if it were a woman I didn\u2019t know, I might just about be able to imagine it. But sex with my best friend \u2013 that was out of the question for me,\u2019 says Ingmar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The two decide on another route: on a summer\u2019s day, during her fertile window, Julia inserts Ingmar\u2019s semen with a syringe. This method is called home insemination, often known colloquially as the \u2018turkey baster method\u2019. They had tried it several times \u2013 once in Berlin and once when he visited Julia in Leipzig. Julia hadn\u2019t expected it to work as early as the second cycle. She becomes pregnant \u2013 and in July 2024, Julia and Ingmar\u2019s daughter Verle is born.<\/p>\n\n\n \n\n

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For the insemination,<\/strong> Ingmar filled a urine cup with his sperm in the bathroom, drew it up into a syringe and handed it to Julia.<\/p>\n<\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n\n <\/div> \n\n\n \n\n \n \n\n

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Verle is born in July 2024.<\/strong> \u2018BORN\u2019, Julia writes on the new family calendar, which also holds the appointments of Julia, Ingmar, Ingmar\u2019s husband Marcelo and Julia\u2019s boyfriend Patrick.<\/p>\n<\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n\n <\/div> \n\n\n \n\n \n \n<\/div>\n\n\n

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The concept is new for all of us<\/strong> \u2013 and there\u2019s little collective experience from others to draw on.<\/p>\n <\/blockquote>\n\n

\n\n \"\"\n Julia<\/span>\n <\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n <\/div>\n\n\n\n\n

Who takes on which responsibilities<\/strong> in this form of co-parenting had to be clearly communicated and agreed before the birth. Because in the meantime, Julia had moved with Verle to join her partner Patrick in Leipzig, while Ingmar stayed in Berlin. That\u2019s why, for now, Julia makes most of the decisions and carries the main responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because of these circumstances, Ingmar is currently more of a weekend dad: once a week, he and his partner, Marcelo, travel to Leipzig to see Julia, in whose flat they have a room of their own. Ingmar helps out around the house and spends time with Verle. That gives Julia time with her partner, Patrick, which often gets squeezed during the week. At times it feels like single parenting, says Julia. \u2018But that\u2019s completely fine. To some extent, it\u2019s what I chose,\u2019 she says, ready to compromise.<\/p>\n\n\n

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\n \"Co-parenting\"\n \n <\/div>\n\n

Together,<\/strong> Julia, Ingmar, Marcelo and Verle stroll through the streets and settle on a bench in a park in Berlin-Sch\u00f6neberg. Some people cast curious glances at the group.<\/p>\n<\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n

Julia\u2019s partner, Patrick,<\/strong> supports her in her daily life in Leipzig, and Julia occasionally asks for his advice. But he deliberately stays out of it when it comes to the father\u2019s role and parenting: he doesn\u2019t make big decisions with her, such as those about vaccinations, choice of school or other responsibilities. In the end, those are decided with Ingmar alone. Patrick has never felt anything like jealousy towards Ingmar: \u2018By now it does me a world of good to know that Verle is in good hands with Ingmar and Marcelo.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For Patrick, Verle\u2019s birth was somewhat harder to process than for anyone else involved. \u2018At that moment I realised that I was more involved in this model than I might have liked, and it dawned on me that I do bear at least part of the responsibility I had always wanted to avoid.\u2019 Over time, though, this unease has faded. \u2018When you see how sweet Verle is and how well looked after she is by Julia, Ingmar and his boyfriend, Marcelo, it has actually turned out exactly the way I always imagined.\u2019 Patrick has committed himself to helping Julia and sees it as a gesture of goodwill, part of the compromise the two of them have forged within their relationship: she wants a child, he doesn\u2019t. She finds an alternative route, and he supports her without carrying the main responsibility. That\u2019s the deal.<\/p>\n\n\n

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\n \"Mother\n \n <\/div>\n\n

After the birth,<\/strong> the midwife comes regularly for check-ups and explains to the carers what to look out for with the newborn. From left to right: Ingmar, the midwife, Julia holding Verle, and Julia\u2019s boyfriend Patrick.<\/p>\n<\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n

The co-parenting model<\/strong> has, of course, also changed the relationships between those involved. For Julia, Ingmar has gone from a party friend to a close confidant who shares responsibility for her child. Help also comes from Ingmar\u2019s partner, Marcelo, who has in a way become part of the family too. It isn\u2019t especially common for two people who are friends to co-parent together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For Ingmar and Julia, the advantages outweigh the drawbacks. \u2018In the co-parenting model, I simply don\u2019t have certain conflicts, because my romantic partner isn\u2019t responsible \u2013 and I like that. Maybe it\u2019s more relaxed because there\u2019s less potential for arguments with my partner. What I find positive is that I can talk to Ingmar very rationally about things that concern Verle. It isn\u2019t so emotionally charged,\u2019 says Julia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ingmar sees it the same way: \u2018I can only speak theoretically, but I think a platonic relationship as the basis for raising a child has its advantages. It certainly doesn\u2019t have the closeness, intensity and frequency of shared moments that come from living together. But there\u2019s also less potential for the kind of arguments and resentment that build up in long romantic relationships \u2013 and which children often suffer from,\u2019 says Ingmar. \u2018Once a relationship stops being so rosy, personal hurt often comes into play. We have the odd conflict too, of course, but no punishments such as withdrawing affection. The co-parenting model has advantages because the child\u2019s well-being comes first \u2013 as it ideally should in any relationship.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n

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On some days<\/strong> Julia feels like a single mother. From Monday to Thursday she is solely responsible for Verle, and the to-do lists are long. \u2018Pump milk\u2019 is at the top of the list, so that she can leave Verle alone with Ingmar for a few hours this weekend.<\/p>\n<\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n

At the same time, the model<\/strong> demands a high degree of adaptability and spontaneity. They constantly have to find and discuss new solutions: \u2018The concept is new for all of us \u2013 and there\u2019s little collective experience from others to draw on,\u2019 Julia admits. A book had given Ingmar an overview of the basic legal and practical questions of co-parenting and helped him sort out all the paperwork that comes with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But very practical, concrete parenting decisions have to be negotiated and talked through again and again. That\u2019s exhausting; yet Julia approaches these processes with great appreciation. Partly because she feels they are creating something new that hardly exists in this form: \u2018In a way, I find the fact that none of the everyday things can be taken for granted reassuring \u2013 maybe also more exciting, more colourful. You don\u2019t know what\u2019s coming; the path and the future aren\u2019t mapped out. In other relationships I often feel that the paths are fixed in advance \u2013 as if that went without saying.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n

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\n \"Co-parenting\"\n \n <\/div>\n\n

When Julia and Ingmar<\/strong> decided to have a child, Ingmar didn\u2019t have a partner yet. On a trip to Mexico he meets Marcelo and marries him while Julia is still pregnant. While Julia\u2019s boyfriend Patrick largely stays out of family life, Marcelo is involved in everything. \u2018He\u2019s part of the family now too,\u2019 says Julia.<\/p>\n<\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n

So Julia \u2013 a spontaneous person at heart \u2013<\/strong> avoids long-term planning when it comes to raising her daughter. What if she later wants to live with Ingmar in Berlin? What if Verle always has to explain herself to other children? Where outsiders might wonder whether it can work, both parents stay relaxed and see communication above all as the key.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is still unclear how the father\u2019s role will be shared among several people. What will Verle call Patrick, Ingmar and Marcelo? She can\u2019t talk yet; she\u2019s simply happy to see all three of them. \u2018Beyond that, I don\u2019t know how she will define us men,\u2019 says Ingmar. It\u2019s possible, he says, that Verle will call all three of them \u2018Papa\u2019. He himself doesn\u2019t see the father\u2019s role as shared, though: the responsibility, custody and obligations lie with him. As he sees it, Verle simply has two more male attachment figures who look like fathers to outsiders. Patrick, for his part, could imagine Verle calling all three of them \u2018Papa\u2019. It isn\u2019t what he wants, as he doesn\u2019t feel like a father. Even so, he spends a lot of time with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The new concept of the \u2018community of responsibility\u2019<\/h2>\n\n \n <\/div>\n\n \n\n\n\n\n

Ingmar and Julia\u2019s co-parenting story fits a wider social trend: interest in rethinking the concept of family and trying out other ways of living together is growing steadily<\/a>. Meanwhile, a legal framework that would make it easy for such parents to formalise their parenthood is still a long way off. Under the concept of the \u2018community of responsibility\u2019 (Verantwortungsgemeinschaft), people who are not the biological parents but have not adopted in the traditional sense either could be registered as responsible attachment figures and act as such.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A planned law on \u2018communities of responsibility\u2019, set out in the 2021 coalition agreement, was meant to respond to this emerging trend and allow up to six people to take legal responsibility for one another \u2013 regardless of marriage or kinship. Until then, there had been no legal provisions on matters such as inheritance, tax or custody. Under Justice Minister Marco Buschmann (FDP), a legal basis for this kind of co-parenting was drafted; but it was never passed before the traffic-light coalition collapsed \u2013 and the current federal government has no plans to implement the draft.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Verle will grow up<\/strong> in a world where she will have to explain herself.<\/p>\n <\/blockquote>\n\n

\n\n <\/span>\n <\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n <\/div>\n\n\n\n\n

But even apart from anchoring the model in law, the concept may first have to reach the mainstream. That will probably take time: \u2018Verle will grow up in a world where she will have to explain herself; where she notices that she is different and that her circumstances aren\u2019t the norm,\u2019 say Julia and her partner Patrick \u2013 who is more worried about this than Verle\u2019s parents, Ingmar and Julia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For them, such issues are much more a question of communication and of how to explain the situation to people who don\u2019t yet understand the concept. \u2018It\u2019s tiring in the sense that you can never explain the co-parenting model in one short sentence. I\u2019ve heard that on their first day at nursery the children are supposed to bring a photo of their family, and of course I\u2019m a bit anxious about that. I try to explain to her that it\u2019s OK and that families can be very different. Of course, all this is tiring at times. But I also want to show society, to some extent, that there\u2019s another way and that women don\u2019t have to wait for ever for \u201cthe right one\u201d to fulfil their wish for a child.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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