{"id":75921,"date":"2024-01-26T16:34:29","date_gmt":"2024-01-26T14:34:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/visualjournalism.de\/?post_type=magazin&p=75921"},"modified":"2026-09-27T15:59:50","modified_gmt":"2026-09-27T13:59:50","slug":"toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture","status":"publish","type":"magazin","link":"https:\/\/visualjournalism.de\/en\/magazine\/silence\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\/","title":{"rendered":"Toxic silence: when silence becomes torture"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n
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\n\tSilence<\/a><\/div>\r\n

\r\n Toxic silence: when silence becomes torture <\/h2>\r\n\r\n
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No word, no explanation, no look: how deliberately ignoring someone hurts \u2013 and leaves its mark on many people from childhood.
\nBy Charlotte Wilke<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/div>\r\n \r\n

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\u2018Silent treatment\u2019, or toxic silence,<\/strong> is a negative communication strategy in which one person deliberately stops talking to another in order to exert power or control. The American psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies the silent treatment as a form of manipulative punishment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But how does toxic silence affect the development of children and young people? \u2018Ignoring is a terrible way to punish a child,\u2019 says child and adolescent therapist Ulrich M\u00fcller, head of the master\u2019s programme \u2018Therapeutic Work with Children and Adolescents\u2019 at Hochschule Hannover<\/a>. Yet there are many parents who use this parenting strategy and deliberately meet conflict with silence.

This is borne out on various online platforms, where many of those affected share and discuss their experiences. \u2018My mother always gave me the silent treatment. Often I didn\u2019t even know why,\u2019 Julie comments under a post on the website TollaBea. Debora describes similar experiences: \u2018It usually went on for days, sometimes even weeks. The other people in the house were treated normally \u2013 only I was thin air.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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A baby <\/strong>doesn\u2019t understand what its parents are saying, but it does understand the attention and affection conveyed through language.<\/p>\n <\/blockquote>\n\n

\n\n \"\"\n Prof. Ulrich M\u00fcller<\/span>\n <\/figcaption>\n \n <\/figure>\n <\/div>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n
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\n \"Portrait\n \n Prof. Dr Ulrich M\u00fcller, head of the master\u2019s programme \u2018Therapeutic Work with Children and Young People\u2019 at Hochschule Hannover<\/span>\n <\/div>\n\n \n <\/figure>\n\n\n\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Communication plays a crucial role in a young person\u2019s development<\/strong>. It is even important to talk to your child when they are a baby. \u2018A baby doesn\u2019t understand what its parents are saying, but it does understand the attention and affection conveyed through language,\u2019 explains Ulrich M\u00fcller. On the one hand, he says, it is important for a child to learn to express feelings and inner states in words; on the other hand, it is just as important for them to receive a response to what they feel.

Whether a child grows up in an environment where feelings and thoughts are communicated openly can often be seen in their behaviour. \u2018Many children act aggressively in arguments because they can\u2019t express what makes them angry,\u2019 says Leah Senghas. The 20-year-old nursery teacher closely observes the behaviour of the children in her kindergarten. \u2018With children who have learned to express their needs, resolving conflicts works much better and more easily than with children for whom it is a taboo subject at home,\u2019 she says. Recently a four-year-old boy told her that another child had pushed him and that this was very frustrating for him. \u2018It makes me really proud when my children talk openly about their feelings and ask for help. I always encourage them then and tell them how great I think it is,\u2019 says the nursery teacher.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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My mother<\/strong> always gave me the silent treatment. Often I didn\u2019t even know why.<\/p>\n <\/blockquote>\n\n

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Ulrich M\u00fcller\u2019s practice also sees children<\/strong> from homes where feelings are rarely talked about. \u2018You always have to take the parents\u2019 history into account too,\u2019 the psychotherapist explains. Many of them were never shown anything different themselves, he says. He does not consider the silent treatment a sensible parenting strategy, and for him toxic silence falls under the term \u2018black pedagogy\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In an interview with the K\u00f6lner Stadt-Anzeiger, sociologist Heike Wiemert describes the silent treatment as \u2018psychological violence\u2019 that triggers great fears in children. Many of those affected agree. \u2018You feel as if your own mother no longer loves you and you are worthless,\u2019 writes one user on the TollaBea website. Another user also describes fear and stress: \u2018When I came home, I crept into my room and listened out for every sound. Pure constant stress.\u2019 Another describes her feelings like this: \u2018I felt insecure and abandoned. Alone.\u2019

Ulrich M\u00fcller understands them. Refusing to speak to people and isolating them is a form of contempt, he says: \u2018It signals: you are nothing to me.\u2019 Accordingly, those affected often have low self-esteem and still struggle with the consequences as adults. \u2018I still cry today when the memory comes over me,\u2019 writes Debora. Another user replies, saying that her husband grew up with the silent treatment as a child. \u2018He uses it in our relationship too; it\u2019s the only way he knows to respond to anger and dissatisfaction.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Black pedagogy<\/h2>\n\n \n <\/div>\n\n \n\n\n\n\n

According to the Brandenburg State Agency for Civic Education, \u2018black pedagogy\u2019 refers to parenting methods based on punishment, control, violence, humiliation or intimidation \u2013 with the intention of subjugating children and young people completely. These are often closely linked to abuse of power or the intention of placing oneself above children and young people.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Many a time<\/strong> I would rather have been hit than be made to feel I was thin air.<\/p>\n <\/blockquote>\n\n

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Psychologists led by Selma Rudert of the University of Basel and Kipling Williams of Purdue University<\/strong> in Lafayette show in a study in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that people react gratefully to any word at all. According to the authors, we feel a need to belong and to be noticed and accepted by others. The study\u2019s conclusion: negative feedback is better than none at all. The study is borne out by the experience of Kari, who was affected herself. She writes: \u2018Many a time I would rather have had a brief thunderstorm \u2013 and yes, even been hit \u2013 than be made to feel I was thin air.\u2019 Ulrich M\u00fcller can understand that. But hitting is never a solution, he says. The psychotherapist explains it like this: \u2018Even when there is a big argument involving strong emotions, the interaction at least maintains the connection between parent and child. When there is no talking at all, it is a dramatic breakdown of the relationship.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So ignoring conflicts and staying silent about them does not seem to be a solution. How do you get it right? \u2018Sometimes it\u2019s good to interrupt an argument and take a break,\u2019 says Ulrich M\u00fcller. But it is very important, he says, to communicate that a clarifying conversation will follow. Leah Senghas also has a clear answer. It is important to convey that feelings should not be suppressed. \u2018You matter, your needs matter, you\u2019re allowed to show your feelings, and when we talk about it together, we always find a solution<\/a>,\u2019 says the nursery teacher. Ulrich M\u00fcller wants to give the patients in his practice a safe space to express their feelings \u2013 and to show them that they are listened to and get a response.<\/p>\n\n\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":33475,"template":"","tags":[371,373],"magazinkategorie":[420],"class_list":["post-75921","magazin","type-magazin","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-familie-beziehungen-en","tag-gesundheit-psyche-en","magazinkategorie-silence"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nToxic silence: when silence becomes torture<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"No word, no explanation, no look: how deliberately ignoring someone hurts \u2013 and leaves its mark on many people from childhood.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/visualjournalism.de\/en\/magazine\/silence\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Toxic silence: when silence becomes torture\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"No word, no explanation, no look: how deliberately ignoring someone hurts \u2013 and leaves its mark on many people from childhood.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/visualjournalism.de\/en\/magazine\/silence\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Visual Journalism and Documentary Photography\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/people\/wwwfotostudentende\/100065173703897\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2026-09-27T13:59:50+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/visualjournalism.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/IMG_8511-2-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1707\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@HsHannover\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"12 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/en\\\/magazine\\\/silence\\\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/en\\\/magazine\\\/silence\\\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\\\/\",\"name\":\"Toxic silence: when silence becomes torture\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/en\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/en\\\/magazine\\\/silence\\\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/en\\\/magazine\\\/silence\\\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/IMG_8511-2-scaled.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2024-01-26T14:34:29+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-09-27T13:59:50+00:00\",\"description\":\"No word, no explanation, no look: how deliberately ignoring someone hurts \u2013 and leaves its mark on many people from childhood.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/en\\\/magazine\\\/silence\\\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\\\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/en\\\/magazine\\\/silence\\\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\\\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/en\\\/magazine\\\/silence\\\/toxic-silence-when-silence-becomes-torture\\\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/IMG_8511-2-scaled.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/visualjournalism.de\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/IMG_8511-2-scaled.jpg\",\"width\":2560,\"height\":1707,\"caption\":\"A little girl sits on her bed with her face in her hands, clearly distressed. 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