No rules, no limits, pure freedom. These are the keywords that set anti-authoritarian parenting apart from the crowd. But do parents harm their children’s future with this parenting ideal? Tomma Fiedler, a qualified shop assistant, was brought up according to these ideas and can look back on a very relaxed childhood. In the interview, the laid-back East Frisian talks not only about her upbringing but also about its advantages and disadvantages.
What was your childhood like?
At first my upbringing was actually very strict. My parents were both very young and didn’t have much experience yet. Over the years that changed completely. My upbringing became very relaxed and easy-going. I was allowed to do more than others my age. Where other people’s parents kept an eye on things – with money or banking, for example – my parents always let me do things the way I wanted.
Did your upbringing affect your education?
Yes, I wasn’t the best at school. I actually wish my parents had given me a kick up the backside now and then, because I did basically nothing for school. I can imagine I’d have done better at school if my parents had been stricter. Then I might have more than a basic school-leaving certificate and could have done better training.
Were you given household chores or rules about cleanliness and tidiness?
No. I didn’t even have to keep my room tidy, because my parents often said: ‘That’s your business, and you’re the one who has to let your friends in there.’
Compared with others, I came into contact with alcohol, drugs and sex quite young – things I’d have done better to wait a few years for.
What disadvantages and advantages have you experienced because of your upbringing?
Apart from neglecting school, I simply came across some things too early. Compared with others, I came into contact with alcohol, drugs and sex quite young – things I’d have done better to wait a few years for. But the bad things also made me stronger, because I gained good self-confidence early on. My free time was a definite plus. I’m very open and like talking, and that’s because since I was 13 I was always out and about and got to know lots of people. I was able to make my own decisions and become independent early, and I still notice today what an advantage that gives me.
What is your relationship with your parents like?
Really good! We get on brilliantly and talk about everything. They support me wherever they can. Even though my upbringing was very relaxed, I can still always go to them and count on them!
Are you happy with how you were brought up?
Yes, I am. In my opinion it’s better to let your children go their own way, because if you forbid them something, they want it all the more. It’s better to tell your kids what you would do in their place or what would be better, but they should still be able to decide for themselves – and at the end of the day, the child’s independence is much better.
